Being Demi

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TW: aphobia, queerphobia.

I’m demiromantic and demisexual. I know a lot of people will break it down further to specify, like bi demiromantic, bi demisexual, things like that, I’ve never really done that? I think if I did it’d probably be like pan demiro/demi? But I’m not sure, so, for now, I’m just going to say I’m demiromantic and demisexual.

This is something that on some days I wear like a badge of honor, right on my chest, shout it from the rooftops, “I’M DEMI!” Proud and pray that no one assumes I’m talking about Lovato or Moore.

If they think I’m a demigod, that is fine, I identify strongly with Nemesis, she is my godly parent.

(Quick reminder, if you’re not demi and you make those jokes, you’re an asshole, same with people who aren’t pan and make the “pansexuals are attracted to pans” joke. It isn’t funny coming from outsiders. It’s rude).

Moving on, I have a strange progression of sexuality. I think like most kids likely do, I thought I was allohet when I was little, I even made active strides to be more allohet, acting like I was actually attracted to boys. I think the only time I thought something along the lines of ace spectrum was in elementary school.

I didn’t quite feel a loving attachment to anyone, I felt detached, and this included my family. I worried I wasn’t about to “feel love” thought, despite my pulling my family into the equation, I believe I was more worried about romantic and sexual love than familial love.

I expressed this to a friend who aggressively pitied my lack of feelings and then ran off. Not a good start to exploring asexuality.

Then throughout life, there was always a feeling of dissonance. My friends were getting crushes and dating at all levels of schooling and I wasn’t. I wanted my friends and that was it. I wanted to hang out with them.

However, I also wanted a partner. To little Cat, it was weird and unnatural for me to have no feelings regarding those kinds of things.

I liked the idea of it enough. Even today I ship people, I love romance and dirty stuff, I LOVE IT but if I put myself in that situation? Uncomfort, I’ll gag, get awkward and aggressive because I don’t know them well enough to be like that with them!

It was in high school that I heard the term asexual and applied it to myself. Since I was unaware that romantic orientations were a thing at the time, my sexuality extended over my romantic orientation and most people assumed that as well, so it worked out well enough.

Asexual was the label I wore for a bit but I mostly just told people I didn’t want to date which was true and a way to silently assert my sexuality/romantic orientation without telling people about it. I told one person, I think, maybe one or two more and that was how life was.

For whatever reason, a bit later, I looked up sexualities again and found demisexual, or maybe saw it again and it just worked better with me at that time, sexuality and romantic orientations are fluid.

I could see myself as that because in my mind I could see myself in a relationship as long as I knew and felt comfortable with said person.

So, here is where the queerphobia and aphobia start and I want you guys to understand, most of what I’m about to express is awful and severely internalized. I will bold and highlight again when I am done speaking about this.

Also, disclosure, this isn’t that easy to talk about so bare with me if I get weird.

There are times that I still think I might be asexual and aromantic but my mind is choosing a different label that puts me closer to the norm I was raised with.

In cleaner terms, my brain is still wired to believe that asexuality and aromanticism are strange and, in a sense wrong. My brain likes to make me think, even today, that me never having been in a relationship means there is something wrong with me.

Now, this only really applies to me. Because I’ve never met someone who identifies as asexual or aromantic and thought “fuck man what’s wrong with them” or “Oh, that poor person” because they are them and they know themselves, I trust them to and I trust their feelings.

But myself, inside my own mind? That isn’t the case.

My mind subtly tells me to put myself closer to what I know as the norm all the time. Find someone to date, find someone to be involved with because me not being involved with someone is strange.

And here comes the queerphobia because right now the only person in the world I would consider having any sort of not-platonic relationship with is a girl but my mind still says “I don’t care how you feel about her, she’s a girl”.

Again, these aren’t things I think when I see other people in f/f relationships, it is just inside my own mind.

My brain wants me to have a relationships “like a normal person” and it still rejects the notion of me being with another woman no matter how I feel about her.

It’s this godawful dissonance that won’t leave my mind, one, loud half of it telling me that I am who I am, that I feel these ways about people when I know them and that no matter who they are or how they identify, if I love them I love them. But then there’s that other half that drags me down all the time.

It wants me to have one of those YA instalove romances, some sort of Dharma and Greg shit, it wants me to be with a guy, nevermind all the conflicting feelings I have towards the entire male population.

It’s that part of me that tears me down and comes to surface in my darkest moments telling me that I have to identify as demi because that’s closer to normal than being ace even if, in my heart, I know that’s a lie.

That part is there no matter what. It shows up whenever I tell people how I label myself, it makes me constantly feel like a lie and fraud and it is absolutely awful. But it’s there. Even when I fight it, it’s there and I don’t really think it will ever go away.

Society doesn’t help by the way. Constant hits against how asexuality is invalid or isn’t a think, how it’s awful that “we don’t feel”… I remember being in psych class last year, talking about sexualities and when the teacher brought up asexuality someone asked if we were defected and fuck man, I don’t know but sometimes I wonder that about myself.

I sure as hell feel like a defect or a freak or even maybe an attention whore who refuses to feel things because I think if I have these feelings of no initial romantic or sexual attraction I’ll be cooler or different and that’s my mind trying to make me edgy.

Nevermind how much evidence I feel and see to the contrary inside of myself.

Nevermind that I know, I know that I am demiromantic and demisexual. My mind will fight against that until the day I’m in the ground.

(There’s a lot more internalized stuff that I can’t think of right now so we’re just going to leave it this. Do you hate me as much as I hate me now?)

End of aphobia and queerphobia, moving on. 

So, demisexual fit better and again, for a long time, for me and others, sexuality extended to romantic orientation so it was just like that until around this year when I learned about romantic orientations.

Still, a lot of times, I’ll just avoid saying demisexual, demiromantic, demi, in general. I’ll say I’m ace or ace spectrum or merely that I’m queer or gay. Basically, I just use whichever umbrella term I think whoever I’m speaking to will feel more comfortable with.

Another kind of TW for queerphobia

if the person seems like the type who’d be uncomfortable with me saying I’m queer or gay, I’ll say ace or ace spectrum since people have a probable with associating the two of those together it’s generally safe to admit to some for of queerness in front of them as long as I don’t actually use the words “I’m gay” or “I’m queer”.

End of Kind of TW.

Many times I just avoid “demisexual” and “demiromantic” altogether, not because people necessarily respond badly, which some will get aggressive but because they’ll ask what it is and holy shit do I not care to explain. Now, some will aggressively ask what it is and it’s like “please calm down, you’re already overreacting to this, it doesn’t affect your life”. Some will tell me [TW] that’s something that happens to everyone or that it’s normal [Done].

Anyways, it’s been a rough journey still and because I’m me, I’d like to add that this is why we need good representation. A lot of people don’t mean to be aphobic and perpetuate aphobic ideas but they do and they cut deep.

And yes I get that I’m demi but I’m still on the ace spectrum which means it still hurts and is invalidating to me as well.

Fuck, I still remember the ACOWAR aphobic comment. I came very close to setting all my SJM books on fire. It hurt a lot more than it should have since it was her and she’s awful to every group under the sun. Maybe it was just because I knew there was literally nothing that could be done to make her see that what she’d done was wrong whereas other authors usually do something. It might not be the best thing or what we wanted but they at least acknowledge it was wrong.

But this is why I get excited when I see a book with an ace or ace spectrum character because that means we could get good rep. It’s a potential for the readers to see ace characters in a normal light, not cast as weird or defected.

This is why I wish people would include more queer characters in their books because HS is hard enough without feeling like freak because of orientation and if all books are perpetuating the same allochishet shit all the time it’s really disheartening.

I mean, to be honest, it means a lot whenever someone mentions the ace spectrum in a positive light, not even a character or anything just mention of it, at this point, without a negative connotation is fucking superb to me.

That shouldn’t be the damn case.

Anyways, so this is just some stuff, if y’all have any questions about demisexuality or demiromanticism look it up because I’m tired and not about to explain.

Thanks for sticking around and reading and I’ll be back soon with more content. It’ll probably be more bookish than this was.

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3 thoughts on “Being Demi

  1. I know it’s not necessarily my place, but I really wanna give you a hug. Because you’re valid and brave and wonderful.

    I’m not on the ace spectrum so I can only comment so much on this topic. I will say that I’m 27 and I STILL internalize biphobia about myself. I still question if I’m just attention-seeking, or want to feel special or whatever. But I’ve come to accept that it’s okay to struggle with those thoughts. It’s okay to change labels and it’s okay to stay with the same ones. It’s okay to not have everything figured out, no matter how old you are. I guess I just wanted to say that I support you and I’m so glad you shared your thoughts on this. ❤

    Like

  2. Okay I’m trying to write something meaningful here but it’s not really working out. I guess what I want to say is that you are amazing, and this blog post is beautiful and extremely relatable and inspiring. Stay strong, you deserve the world!

    Like

  3. Hi, um…thank you for this post. I’ve been toying with demi as a label for the last few months, and I’m still really unsure, but this post helped. Choosing anything as label is tied up in a lot of other stuff for me, but this post made me feel a little less alone, trying to figure it all out. So, thank you. And I hope things get better for you, even if they are never perfect.

    Like

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