UGH FUCK I’m in a fucking reading slump of sorts it is KILLING ME! FUCK! SHIT! Why?
For the last few weeks, I’ve been in some weird reading slump and have gotten NOTHING read. I’ve started two books which I really liked but I felt so dead inside and apathetic towards them at that moment that I just stopped reading.
And the passion for reading hasn’t picked up AT ALL!
I look at ALL of the books I have and feel nothing. There isn’t any pulling tugging urge, every glance is met with apathy. There’s no excitement but I do feel annoyed when I don’t feel the excitement.
And I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to pick up a book I really wanted to read and not care about it making it a shitty reading experience and then a book I may have loved I now hate.
But I also REALLY want to read something.
So now I’m trying to decide, should I pick up something I’m likely to hate and just rage read it and maybe kill the slump? Do I pick up something I’m excited to read and pray to god the apathy just goes away while risking being bored with it?
I have no fucking idea but in the meantime, I’ve been doing a few other things.
Here is what this bookworm has been doing while I haven’t been reading.
- Playing on the internet.
What else do people do when they’re trying to avoid something? I have been spending a shit ton of time on Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr. A little bit here too, trying to get up enough blog posts that I won’t have to worry until *checks watch* winter break.
Yeah, so I need to focus on college while I’m in college so I’m hoping to write enough reviews and blog posts to cover me until December.
BUT SINCE I’M NOT READING I need to right more discussions and other random shit.
Also, since I’m going to try and devote time to having the full college experience I’m social media-ing as much as I can because when you stay off social media people leave you behind and forget about you.
Okay, maybe not you, but me. I’m irrelevant and talentless enough that I am quickly forgotten.
Anyways, social media-ing is a great way to keep building my platform before it crumbles and also to avoid the anxiety and pit of despair I feel when I can’t pick up a book.
When I can’t think of other things to do, I sleep. Although it’s more like lie down in my bed and pray to god that sleep will grace me.
I lie and bed and usually social media or think about things which can lead to crying or high spikes of anxiety but hey… I’m avoiding reading and isn’t that what really matters?
But sometimes I look at my bookshelves and panic because while I’m merely lying in bed I could be forcing myself to read a book I may or may not like, may or may not care about AT ALL!
- Planning for ALA
Even when I’m not feeling reading I’m feeling books. I’m feeling that feeling of doing things that involve books and since I haven’t gotten to go to an author event in a while ALA is going to be my shiznit.
Now granted, planning makes me want to cry because I’m driving up by myself, staying in a hotel by myself, facing ALA by myself (because while I’m desperately trying to find a buddy to buddy up with at ALA it feels like everyone’s already got a buddy RIP me).
Even so, the thought of doing something involving books, of seeing authors and book peoples, of being able to hold book babies in my hands I feel slightly calmer.
- Reading nonfiction
I don’t know what it is but when my YA and my fiction just aren’t doing it, I read nonfiction.
I’ve been slowly meandering my way through Roxanne Gay’s “Bad Feminist” which is FABULOUS, literally such a great read, I cannot believe. I pick it up when I want to read my usual books but, like right now, can’t.
I’ve also picked up Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu, The Origin of the Species by Charles Darwin, The Federalist by Alexander Hamilton, John Jay, and James Madison, and The Republic by Plato, all of which I’ve been flipping through at leisure for some minor educational value.
I try to get the content, underline things of interest or things I don’t understand to do further research on, look up the definitions of words and the like. For whatever reason, doing so gives me a small sense of comfort, like at least I’m reading and getting something out of it even if it isn’t that wonderful sense of contentment and delight my fictional books give me.
Usually, when I read, I read a lot then I go for a run, as long and fast as I can, until my body feels both heavy and light, and joy reenters my cold, dead heart.
Except when I don’t read and I’m just lying in bed all day, wallowing in despair because books are the anything that gives me any semblance of a purpose all I can think is “WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO FEEL SOMETHING” which leads me to do more physical things. Honestly, I should probably be doing most of those things anyways but I really only do them when I’m not reading a lot.
Since, when I’m reading it’s a “YEAH LET’S RUN!” Thing but when I’m not it’s “there’s more I can do, I should try it” but none of it gives me the same joy as running so I’m just apathetically lifting weights until my arms wants to fall off.
- Watch the Black Panter Teaser Trailer.
It brings me joy.
- Watch endless YouTube Videos
I’ll fall into this pattern of watching hundreds of film trailers, then movie clips, then some CinemaSins, then some Honest Trailers, and shit.
Sometimes I even regress.
It gets scary.
But that shit happens.
*Whispers* Young Cat was fucked my friends. Fucked.
- Change Outfits at least four times
I can’t even explain what this phenomenon is but I just start changing clothes. There isn’t a reason for it. I’m not leaving the house or taking pictures, I just change my outfit and lie back down. WHY?
- Look up random shit
Shakespeare plays, psychological disorders, diseases, and parasites…. Really anything to pass the time and give me some weird knowledge.
Tapeworms. Those are interesting.
Harlequin-type Ichthyosis which I will tell you to proceed with caution if you look that one but because it can be really graphic.
I follow this anatomy lady on Instagram and sometimes I’ll just scroll through her feed and read about whatever happened in the pics. I think so far the most disturbing pictures have been the one with a baby born without a brain and the one where someone mixed cocaine with toilet water or something? Either way, it was gross but doing it keeps me occupied.
- Whine my friends into doing shit with me.
One of my closest friends just moved away but there’s one who I constantly whine at until they agree to amuse me. This usually just means I drag them on a quick shopping trip or to walk around the mall or to a movie because one of the theaters here apparently has $6 movies on Tuesdays!
But that way I’m actively out of the house and doing something other than looking up weird gross shit, following into the social media or Youtube sink hole, and definitely not despairing over the books I’m not reading.
This is the last and most rare of the things.
I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was a small nugget but I’m not very good at it. Most of the times the stories stay in my head and I don’t get them onto paper much. One story is now a sequence of stories which has been building in my head for nine-ten years now, following the growth of Gods, their world, and those affected by them or related to them.
Honestly, it’s really boring and uninteresting but I love it and I love the characters dearly.
I also have a YA f/f contemporary that I work on sometimes because I just think it’d be really cool to have a story about a girl’s progression through high school as she learns about social issues and shit. Like I want her to learn about the issues facing queer people, people of color, people with different disabilities, and stuff since that’s when I learned about deeper issues and it changed a lot of things for me.
Also, I just want to write about high school because damn that was one wild experience.
Anyways, every now and then I’ll get the urge to write or thinking of something that should happen and I’ll go with it, start writing it down. There’s no rhyme or reason to how these things pop up but they do.
I think it’d be easier for me to write if I had someone to just babble onto it about but I really don’t. Talking to internet people about it freaks me out plus they always seem like they just don’t care.
Talking to people in real life about it they really don’t care. I can always see the apathy in their eyes like they wish I were talking about anything else because my characters, my world, and my story are just that boring to them.
So, yeah. I don’t know if these characters or their stories will every become coherent or clear enough to be written down.
Every time I write, their world grows a little clearer but I write so rarely that it usually just remains the weird jumble it is in my head.
ANYWAYS that is all for this post!
This is what I do when I’m not reading and it seems like a lot but it usually isn’t because nine times out of ten I just lie in bed playing on my phone. Really, it is very unproductive.
So, for now, I’m going to try and figure out what to do about my apathy towards books all books and I’m going to try and blog a shit ton more so that I have a lot of posts queued up for the end of this year.
Check back soon for more content!