I Can’t Write My Queerness

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NaNoWriMo was last month and I think I did okay.  Managed to get all the words out I needed to but still nothing extraordinary.

But, the entire time I was thinking about my babies (i.e. my main characters) and thinking about those people who’ll tell you to write your own marginalization if you really want to see it out there.

People talk about the issues with this ALL THE TIME and for that, I’m grateful because I can’t speak with any sort of grace or intellect like those people. And honestly, I feel like telling people who want good, accurate rep to write it themselves is like telling someone who doesn’t like an actor’s acting to do it themselves. Some people just aren’t writers. Doesn’t mean they can’t want quality work.

Just because I think Cole Sprouse is bad at acting doesn’t mean I’m going to start an acting career. I act even worse than him, it would be a problem.

However, obviously, in my case, I am a writer. I want to see myself on the page, particularly, I want to see more aces on the page, particularly, even more, demis and grays but I realized to this day I’m in so much denial about myself, I hate myself so much I can’t write myself.

Let’s talk about the four MCs of my NaNo WIP. Asa, Sorah, Kendra, and Avery.

Avery is the only one with a clearly defined sexuality. He’s gay. Homoromantic and homosexual. Only attracted to males.

Then there are the rest.

Ken is either biromantic at the least, I’m pretty sure of this.

Sorah and Asa… I don’t know about them. Again, they’re queer.

But recently, I realized, they’re both likely on the ace spec.

This has always been tricky for me because this is the one series out of my heart story where the characters really don’t have love interests and I always assumed it was because there were other aspects of the story I was focusing on but I don’t think that’s the case.

I think it’s because most of them are ace.

Avery doesn’t have an LI because of the circumstances of the story but the rest of them? 90% sure they’re ace. And yet, I don’t feel comfortable putting ace labels on them?

I want to. I know them, I know how they identify, who they are.

I know Sorah is a grayromantic pansexual, I know Asa is likely either aroace or like me gray demiromantic demisexual, I know Kendra is biromantic asexual but… I can’t.

I can’t say these things, I feel like I can’t write these characters or label these characters like that because there is so much hate for myself in my own head I don’t want it reflecting onto them. I’m fine saying “this character is a lesbian” “this character is gay” “this character is panromantic, bisexual” but I can’t say anything on the ace spec without my own doubts about myself being dragged up.

The few characters I have identified as ace or demi I have the hardest time writing because in the back of my head all of the gross anti-ace spec I have for myself are gnawing at me and going “do you really want your characters to be like that?”

Anyways, so yes. In reality, I have a fair number of ace-spec characters. But I can’t say that. I can’t set out to write it because of all of my issues with myself. I’m in denial about myself, I’m in denial about my children.

That’s how my life is going,

Hope you enjoyed or found this post interesting. Let me know your thoughts below, check back later for more content, and thanks for reading!

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2 thoughts on “I Can’t Write My Queerness

  1. I really liked this post because I can definitely relate. In my case, I couldn’t write African American females as the main characters in my book. I don’t know if it was because of self-hate or if they just felt weird to actually see as a main character. I’m mostly over it, though, so my advice is just to be patient with yourself and maybe the will come when you can claim that your characters are ace. 🙂

    Like

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